Because I'm Not Your Friend

Although this may never be scientifically proven, I sincerely doubt that I am “irreversibly ruining your life” with the way I mother you.  Despite being old and decrepit and out of touch, I still have a few working brain cells and I am using them to parent you.  I would say, “I’m sorry” about all the ways I have deprived you, but I’m really not sorry at all.

I am your mother, not your friend.

While “everyone else” has unlimited, 24-hour a day access to the internet, cable, their mp3 player, and internet cell phone, I have cruelly set limits on your tech time.  I even ask that you talk to me beyond ur txts 2 me asking wats 4 dinnr.  You’re not going to freak out, lose it or hyperventilate because you can’t have your mini-speakers shoved into your ear holes when we’re in the car driving from point A to B to C.  Look around, notice your environment, and talk with dear old mom.  I’ll turn up my hearing aide and pop in my dentures so I can hear you AND respond.  And while I agree that YouTube is incredibly entertaining, there is more to life than bitten fingers, sneezing pandas, unicorns and various dance moves.  Actual, real, living people are all around us….I see living people.  Meet them.  Chat.  Develop new friendships with all people of all ages.  Yes, I am seriously old-fashioned that way.

Because I am your mother, not your friend.

I should probably also confess that my anti “hanging out” views are not newly developed opinions, created to ruin your free time.  When you were a baby and the stroller and I had to dodge throngs of teens just “hanging out” at the mall or in town, I CLEARLY remember resolving to squash the hang out habit.  If you have a shopping list, money and a goal, then by all means – enjoy the mall.  But, you and eleven of your closest friends needing a whole afternoon to procure some flip flops…uh…NO.  If you’re going into town for a movie or a burrito, I’m all for that.  Wanna meet up to eat pizza and play wiffle ball?  Great!  But, just loitering while penniless in a group of teens is not cool, no matter how awesome you think you all look.  The Second Law of Thermodynamics is a constant, so have an organized purpose.

Because I am your mother, not your friend.

Speaking of penniless – I probably won’t be changing my mind about your “financial freedom.”  Dad and I aren’t holding you accountable for the usage of your money because we are power-hungry control freaks.  We are doing you a favor for your future as an adult by training you now in healthy financial habits.  Trust me on this one.  Giving away and saving portions of your funds are healthy practices.  Learning to plan and save for big ticket items instead of impulse buying will serve you well in the future.  The sooner you learn you can’t have it all, the better.  Appreciate what you have.  Learn contentment.  You’re not gonna have the latest and greatest and I’m okay with that.

Because I’m your mother, not your friend.

And, about my multiple “interrogations” about your life...no, I am not practicing my skills for the FBI, CIA or a future as a PI.  I birthed you (future counseling already anticipated for this realization), you live with me and I’m responsible for you, for many years to come.  You can bet your butt I want to know your friends.  I actually care about your school day and “fine” is not an acceptable adjective to describe a 7 ½ hour day.  Remember the game we started playing when you were in preschool?  Every day when I was making dinner, I’d ask for you to tell me the best part of your day and the worst part of your day?  Notice how I still play that game with you on a regular basis?  Come on…play along!

Because I’m your mother, not your friend.

So you see, I’m not hurt or concerned that you think I am terribly old-fashioned and pathetically uncool.  Truly, I do not want to embarrass you.  But you need to know that I am not afraid of you and your displeasure in me.  I am not trying to earn your approval.  I know I’ll never be given the “cool, fun, awesome” award.  Heck, I may even win the "Meanest Mom" award.  (I clearly remember your grandma winning that award when I was living at home.  Huh.)  I’m not going to fix every hard knock in your life or rush out to counter-balance your every disappointment.

Because I’m your mother, not your friend.

And, if I do this mom thing right, someday I’ll say, “Because I’m your mother and your friend.”

Diary of a Wimpy Mom

I don't know if it's the time of year, where stress runs high and patience short, but I have seen SO MANY moms completely controlled by their kids! Are there really that many wimpy moms, afraid of their kid's anger and displeasure if they don't give their child his or her own way? Or am I just running into every one of them while I'm out and about? In the doctor's office, the grocery store, Target, the local coffee shop, restaurants, you name it! "I'm not going to tell you again to stop touching stuff!" was threatened more than eight times by one mom to the same child! And, this wasn't a two-year-old child I'm talking about. These harried moms are anything but joyful at this season of joy. How amazing is the power of a small, stubborn human. I always wonder at the moms (and dads) who want to be their kid’s friend; the parents who really want their child(ren) to like them. My kids know full well that I don’t care if I make their "good list" for the day or if I meet their approval…which usually revolves around them getting what they want. (I’m not going to go into the whole be-a-parent, not-a-friend thing since that’s a whole other topic for another day.)

While I am FAR from the perfect mom or a poster-mom for all that is made of sweetness, understanding and patience, I am pretty sure that over-all, my kids do not run me or my life. Oh sure, they make it busy and crowded and full, but it's not because I'm letting them run over me with their will and wants. Not that it NEVER happens, but it's sure not the norm or how the kids and I are characterized. I've had to work hard at letting them know that while I love them and they are vitally important to my husband, me and God, they are not the center of the universe and life isn't about them.

Years ago when the kids were a lot younger, we were enjoying a family lunch at a restaurant in Nashville. A few tables over was a rather loud family, where the kids were rowdy and the parents were demanding, begging and pleading with the kids to "sit down, behave and be quiet." Lunch got a lot nicer (and quieter) when that family left! We continued on with our meal, which included a lot of instruction ("Don’t dip your napkin in your sister’s water!") and numerous potty breaks. (Do they save it all up just for when we’re out?!) While it was a nice meal and nothing horribly bad happened, it was tiring for us as parents! As another couple was leaving the restaurant, the woman came over to me and complimented our children’s behavior. She also told me that while it was hard and tiring work, she thought I was doing a good job with the kids. I almost burst into tears of gratitude! Her words of encouragement made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside for a long time afterward. I NEEDED her words, and her kindness had long lasting affects on me as I pressed on in doing what was right. (Which is NOT synonymous for "what is easy.")

Next time you’re out and you see a mom doing the RIGHT thing with her children, speak a word of encouragement to her. A simple, "Being a mom isn’t easy, but I see you’re doing what’s best for your child even if he/she doesn’t appreciate it right now" can make that mom’s day. Never underestimate the power of a smile and, "I’ve been there and done that – stay strong, Mom!" as you’re walking out of the grocery store. All too often I can point out the trouble child, but how often do I look for the positive? How often do I address the positive? Truthfully, not often enough. Proverbs 25:11 says "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver." Words of encouragement are precious and valuable to the hearer! If there is a mom teetering on the edge of giving in, giving up and turning to the wimp-side, some fitly spoken words will be strengthening for her – especially from someone who is also in the trenches of motherhood!

Hmm…maybe I should write Diary of a Wimpy Mom...a book of warning and what I've learned along the way. I'd get be a stick figure...not likely to ever happen in real life! :)