Sunday, February 13, 2011

Thoughtful Tips For Your Next Water Park Visit

My friend and I recently took our (homeschooled) kids on a little road trip to an indoor water park in the Wisconsin Dells.  After spending a couple days there, I had a few revelations.  So, I jotted down a few pointers that may be helpful to the future thoughtful water park attendee.

If He’s In The Women’s Bathroom and Texting While Waiting For Mom/Sister/Grandma/Aunt, He’s Probably Old Enough To Wait Outside
I know there’s that age where you have to bring your boys into the ladies’ bathroom, but at some point, it’s just not right.  And, if he really is only 6 years old and just looks old for his age and just looks like he needs to shave (again), for Pete’s sake, PLEASE just put the cell phone away while waiting.  And perhaps you shouldn’t stand so close to the shower area ‘cause it’s getting kinda weird.

Nix The Thong
Yes, you’re a mom of two and still super hot, but we are at an indoor family water park in February, not in Florida on spring break.  The wave pool is making it hard for the average woman and girl to keep her LL Bean tankini on her body in a semi-modest way.  Do you have any idea what is happening to your itty bitty thong bikini?

Buy A Bigger Swimsuit
It is wonderful that all shapes and sizes can have fun at a water park and move around in the water.   But there comes a day when one needs to accept the fact that a larger swimsuit (or swim trunks) is needed.  Unless you really are comfortable in a one-piece suit that wasn’t meant to be a thong, but is currently a thong.  But watching you dig to excavate your swimsuit leads me to think you didn’t want the thong look.  Or feel.  I am confident there are swimsuits made for the larger body.  Trust me, I KNOW they exist.  When we can see more of you than a baby sees when nursing…well, let’s just say the look on the guys’ faces isn’t one of admiration.  Especially since you’re pushing retirement.

And while we’re on the topic of swimsuits – letting your little boy swim in his underpants isn’t cool.  And really, dude…white swim trunks?

Um, You’re Gonna Get Wet
This is a water park.  There is water being shot, sprayed, splashed and otherwise flung everywhere.  To screech and jump back like someone has just thrown fire ants at you seems a bit excessive.  I understand that you’re holding your smart phone so you can text, update FaceBook and Twitter, but ***NEWSFLASH*** you came to a water park and it’s safe to assume there’s gonna be water.  Everywhere.  Possibly when you don’t expect it.  Like when the little grizzly bear statue thing randomly spits out water.  (Gotta admit that one surprised me too.)  Another thing: it’s gonna be slippery.  So, be careful when you screech and try to jump away from the water.  Either that, or wait until I have my video camera up and running because I could really use the $10,000 prize money.

Wear Footwear In The Bathroom (PLEASE!)
I admit that I am more germaphobic than your average woman, but did no one else think that barefoot in the bathroom is just gross?  It’s a bathroom, people.  Little boys are missing their porcelain target, and then you’re stepping in it!  There was one bathroom that emitted such offensive odors, my friend chose to wait a bit longer before entering.  And yet, barefoot people entered and exited!  I found myself watching all barefooted potty goers in the same way I watch (for about 3.4 seconds) someone eat their boogers.  We all agree that’s gross behavior!  How about naked feet on a public bathroom floor?  Perhaps this is why the pools have enough chlorine to melt off the first layer of skin.

And now for some thank you’s….
To all the folks whose body art we observed, we thank you for the endless entertainment of trying to decipher the meaning of your various tattoos.  (I am still fascinated by the “Pooh Bear” sprawled across one man’s back in what looked like five year old penmanship.)  We moved on from admiring and interpreting your body murals to guesstimating the cost of all your inkwork.  I do believe one young couple could have put my eldest through college with what they must have spent on tatts and piercings.  (Except the Pooh Bear tattoo…hope that one was on the house.)

And, I will NEVER AGAIN make fun of men who shave or wax their backs.  We all thank you.