This Old.....Woman

After being SURE it wouldn’t happen this soon (and back in high school, swearing it would NEVER happen), it happened.

I got old this summer.

It wasn’t an instant, overnight transformation.  It’s not like I left the house a young whippersnapper and returned a blue-haired, 17-mile-an-hour driving grandmother, who fully stops at every intersection, even when there is no stop sign in sight, causing the minivan behind her to bump into her.  (Or so I’ve heard can happen to moms in minivans behind old ladies in sedans.)  Nor was it as instant as the time in June when I thought I became suddenly and completely incontinent while at my son’s baseball game, only to discover that instead of wetting myself, I sweated myself.  (Yes, I’ve sweat violently before like when I did the 3-day walk. http://alittleconsiderationandthought.blogspot.com/2011/12/wanting-to-quit-but-i-didnt.html  I just didn’t think this level of perspiration was possible while just SITTING at a suburban park.)

Getting old slowly happened over the summer, to the point that here at the start of this school year, it hit me: HOLY CRAP! I’m old!  I started the summer far younger, I am sure.  (Someone please tell me I haven’t been this old for YEARS and just now figured it out!)  I noticed a hint of old as I saw young girls walking on the Prairie Path in flip-flops and I wondered how their feet didn’t hurt.  A muted essence of age wafted over my impatient thoughts, as I wanted to correct the grammar of almost every popular song I heard.  (When did noun/verb agreement go out of style?  And don’t even get me started on rap music and its incomplete words and sentences.)

Specifically, being old hit me when I was at the local bar/bowling alley to hear my son’s band play a gig.  My thoughts scared me.  It started with the red X scrawled onto the top of my hand.  You know, one day – they will confirm that this permanent marker ink gets absorbed into the bloodstream and leads to cancer.  When I walked over to meet up with the group already gathered at the tables, my first thought was: Ugh! We got those tall bar tables and chairs!  At least the chairs have a back.  I then wondered where to safely and hygienically stash my purse when I realized that most other women (ok – “girls”) had smaller, wristlet type purses that they kept on their lap.  Far more convenient, but there’s NO WAY they are truly prepared with that shrunken excuse of a purse.  My gosh! How do they carry gum, floss, Tylenol, money, a hair elastic, pen and paper, lip gloss, coupons, hand sanitizer, a Sharpie and tissue in that thing?

There were a few bands playing at the bar, and I’m proud relieved to report that I didn’t use earplugs.  But my granny thoughts were rapid firing! I can’t understand a word they’re saying! (Believe me, I was trying!) Do you think these boys went to college, and do they make an actual living doing this? OMG! Is he barefoot on stage?  That cannot be clean!  Gosh, I hope he doesn’t have open cuts on his feet because goodness knows what he might be picking up.

It was sometime around this phase of my thinking that I realized my girlfriend was trying to talk to me.  But I couldn’t hear her or adequately read her lips due to the bar’s conservation efforts to save the planet by keeping their lights so darn low.  So, we resorted to texting each other while sitting less than two feet away from one another.  We agreed that while we really enjoyed meeting up for a drink, eating the hot Bavarian pretzels with mustard and listening to the bands, we knew we were firmly rooted in the not-a-spring-chicken-anymore category.  The girlfriend sitting on the other side of me confirmed my suspicions when she said (actually, texted), “Why do these boys on stage look about 12 and I feel about 80?  And what’s with capris on boys?”

Yes, I was out for a night with my family and friends, and it WAS fun – but it was also a rather melancholy reality that bit me!  I don’t think I would have readily agreed that I felt old and stodgy prior to this particular night out.  (Heck – just a month earlier, I went with a group of girlfriends to see an 80’s hair band play an arena concert, and I didn’t feel old!  Maybe I was oddly comforted by the parking lot full of minivans.)  There was just something about this particular evening that pushed me towards expecting my AARP card.  Soon.  Oprah always used to call this the “Ah ha!” moment.  Mine felt more like a “Holy Poop!” moment.

But I think I’m going to be ok with it.  After all – who did the band come running to when their ONE MARKER ran dry in the middle of autographing posters?  Yep!  The old lady prepared like a freaking Boy Scout to the rescue!

7 Habits of Highly...Ineffective Mothers

Recently, I saw an article posted to Facebook about the 7 habits of highly effective people, based on the book of the same name.  While I have never read the book, it did lead me to wonder about the habits of ineffective people.  Specifically, what an ineffective mother looks like and what she would or wouldn’t be doing.

   1)   Taking L O N G bathroom breaks to actually finish reading a chapter of an intense mystery novel or play her turn in Words With Friends, leaving her children to think she has prolonged gastrointestinal issues when really – she had a J, X and Q to play.

   2)   Planning dinner at 5:15pm.  After exhausting mac & cheese, hotdogs, cheese quesadillas and ham sandwiches, the short-term planning options are limited…and often result in microwave popcorn for dinner.

   3)   Waiting until the very last possible minute to leave Point A so as to NOT arrive too early to Point B and have to waste precious minutes just waiting.  Very often, the children are taken by shock and awe with the “we need to leave RIGHT NOW” announcement.  God help the child who has to go to the bathroom or find their shoes.

   4)   Enjoying a coffee shop visit with grown-up, adult friends one evening, forgetting to order decaf, and then not being able to fall asleep at a semi-normal time and then sleeping WAY too late in the morning.  The sleeping late then results in not being tired that evening until really late…and the cycle goes on…for six years.

   5)   Using Google and/or Wikipedia as the main source for almost everything and inadvertently leading the children to believe any other avenue of research does not exist.  This leads to the children believing Google the noun is now a verb.  (As in: “Mom, can you Google…")

   6)   Creating a relaxing Zen-shui (or whatever) study environment by moving piles on the kitchen table from one end of the table to the other and straightening the piles on the countertops.  Sadly, blowing on any flat surface and calling it “dusting” often accompanies this.

   7)   Feigning interest in hearing homemade jokes, dreams, over-detailed movie and book plots and summaries and pre-adolescent conversations. (“…and then she was like, ‘No way!’ and he was like, ‘Get out of here!’”)

This list was complied from the creative thinking of its author as she imagines how an ineffective mother would operate…of course, have noooooo first-hand knowledge or experience in the ways and practices of an actual ineffective mother.

Don't Tell Me You're Sorry

“Michael, tell your sister that you’re sorry, then give her a hug.”

Little Michael mumbles a meaningless, “Sorry” and as he and his sister embrace in a hug that is absent of all affection, it is evident that they still want each other’s heads on a platter.  Michael is not truly remorseful for what’s happened; he’s just mad that he got caught.  Little sister hasn’t truly forgiven him because she’s still hurt and angry.  So their little exchange of, “Sorry” and a hug did nothing to repair their hurt relationship – it probably just added resentment towards one another.

And this is why the word “sorry” is not allowed as an apology in our home.

(Ok, for all the legalistic thinkers: we DO use the word "sorry" when we accidentally bump into each other, or drop an item when trying to hand it to someone, etc.  I am not referring to the little accidents that are void of anger, revenge, hurt feelings and perceived rights trampled upon.  Of course, the word “sorry” is perfectly useful and acceptable in those situations!)

Recently, a friend had some people take advantage of her goodness and abuse her generosity.  Because there were many people involved in a public way, it couldn’t be ignored or swept under the rug.  Over the course of the next few days, people came to her to apologize.  She told me that most came with limited eye contact and a half-hearted, “Sorry for what happened.”  There were far fewer who came to her broken, in tears and asking her forgiveness for their poor judgment and character.  Although my friend had a genuine heart of forgiveness towards all involved, she said it was obvious to her those who were truly remorseful over all that had happened versus those just giving lip service, with a half-hearted attempt to save face.

Consider the word “apology” itself.  The etymology of the word is from both the Latin and Greek apologia, which is to give a defense; justification.  When one studies Apologetics, they are learning to defend a position (often religious) through the systematic use of reason.  If someone wronged you and came to you to defend their actions – to give justification – how would you take that as their apology?  It’s really not a remorseful, sincere effort to make the wrong situation right again!  More than just apologizing to someone, the heart needs to be in a position to take the right steps to admit the wrong and restore the broken relationship.  So, when I use the word “apology” understand the context in which I say it…. it is repairing a relationship.

When I was growing up, mending the break in a relationship with someone was a three-part process.  I thought it was normal; that it was how everyone apologized.  My own children are well versed in the three-steps to forgiveness and I consider this one of the better parenting choices I have made.  I have also become convinced that “sorry” is the coward’s easy way out.  It’s another way of saying either, “I’m just sorry I got busted” or “I’m sorry that you’re so sensitive and that you had a problem with me.”  There is no ownership of the hurt or offense done.  It is the pinnacle of blame shifting.

(Again, this is not going into the specifics when you might unknowingly hurt someone, where absolutely no hurt was intended.  Even in those cases, it’s best to take the high road, be the “bigger person” and apologize – it will only help the relationship.  There ARE the cases of people who live to be hurt and there’s no way to keep up with them and their chronic offended-ness.  Gratefully, they are few and far between.)

Three Steps For Asking For Forgiveness:

      1)  State the offense and be specific.

It is not being specific to say, “I’m sorry I made you mad.”  It is specific to say, “I was really angry and kicked and smashed your Lego tower.”  There is something humbling about taking ownership for exactly what happened.  It feels uncomfortable.  Our pride takes a kick in the teeth when we verbalize exactly how we were the cause of someone else’s hurt.

      2)  State that you were wrong.

This makes it clear to the person who was hurt that you know and acknowledge their pain and are taking full responsibility for causing the hurt.  “I was really angry and kicked and smashed your Lego tower.  That was wrong of me to take out my anger on you and lose it.  I was wrong for doing that.”   This can get especially hard for children when the seemingly innocent, hurt one was egging on the one apologizing.  We always used this time to explain that self-control needs to come into play, even when you’re a little kid.  It has to start somewhere – the sooner the better!  We would teach that it’s best to walk away from a situation than to stay and make a bad situation get worse by lashing out.  

      3)  Ask for forgiveness.

This is the third step of reaching out to repair a broken relationship and the first step in reconciling the relationship.  As my mom always explained: with relationships being like a tennis match, asking for forgiveness will volley the ball back into their section of the court.  “I was really angry and kicked and smashed your Lego tower.  That was wrong of me to take out my anger on you and lose it.  I was wrong for doing that.  Will you please forgive me?”  It’s up to them to receive the apology and to agree to put the hurt behind and move ahead.  Be sure to avoid saying “That’s ok” (it’s NOT ok!) and instead say, “You are forgiven.”  The majority of the time, forgiveness is granted, especially when the apology is done with true humility and remorse.  Even kids have a pretty good sense of knowing when an apology is sincere or when it’s been forced to happen. 

When forgiveness is given (“apology accepted”), you are declaring the offending party “not guilty.”  It is releasing them from your anger and resentment.  (Not from the natural consequence of the offense, which is something we can’t always control.  If you lie to someone five times, you may be forgiven, but you won’t be trusted on the sixth time.)  To say you forgive someone and then remain angry and treat him or her as a guilty party is making you a liar, as you did not truly forgive.  As parents, we need to work with our kids on both “sides” of the situation – the forgiveness seeker and forgiveness granter.  I do not believe it is accurate to encourage someone to forgive and forget.  Humans do not have the capability of forgetting, short of amnesia.  We can practice to forgive and CHOOSE to not remember.

Any relationship that we hold dear is worth preserving, even if one needs to get humbled and do “the long apology thing” as I once heard it called in our home.  (Even if you don’t hold the relationship dear, just man up and apologize the right way.  That’s called good character.)  And, as I need to remind myself, this is not the three-steps for just how a kid should apologize.  It’s also how mom needs to apologize to teen son.  How dad needs to apologize to mom.  How friend needs to apologize to friend.  Your relationships are valuable, so stop cheapening them by saying “sorry” and making your kids say “sorry” to one another. 

And, sorry if that sounds harsh.

(oops)