Wanting To Quit (But I Didn't)

In this past year and within the same week, I had two friends – both young moms of four children – diagnosed with breast cancer.  I was saddened and shocked and had the thought, “That could be me!” run through my head more than once.  About a week after my friends were diagnosed, my other (crazy) friend Michelle asked if I would consider doing the Susan G. Komen 3-Day For The Cure with her.  It took me about two seconds to reply with a resounding YES!  YES I will walk 60 miles in three days!  YES I will camp and go without electricity for three days!  YES I will raise the money!  YES I will support my friends and push myself to every limit!  YES!

[Let’s pause here and let me state that this is NOT about the moral quandary of the Komen Foundation giving money to Planned Parenthood.  Believe me, I’ve heard and read all the arguments from people with their undies in a bunch over this.  If you do some simple research, you will find that some of the biggest supporters of Planned Parenthood are the Girls Scouts, Nike, Whole Foods, Adobe (the software), Johnson & Johnson, eBay, Ford, Target, General Mills, American Express, AARP, Unilever, Bank of America, Walt Disney – the list goes ON AND ON!  Over thirty percent of PP grants came from the federal government…as in your taxes.  So please back down a bit.  And thank you.]

Needless to say, about three months into training, my enthusiastic YES was a grumbling bunch of “why-did-I-say-yes?” and “I-CANNOT-do-this!” and “what-was-I-smoking-when-I said YES?” whines.  Michelle wasn’t too far away in her lamenting.  Michelle’s friend Lisa, who was the third spoke in our wheel of amazingness, was eternally optimistic and cheerful…so we’re just not gonna talk about her.

I learned a number of things about myself, about others and about life in general while on the 3-day (Friday, Saturday, Sunday) walk.  Which was in Chicago.  In August.  Therefore, some lessons learned were purely simple (I really, truly DO NOT like the heat) and some were much deeper as I spent lots of time with some amazing men and women.

PORTA POTTIES WON’T KILL ME:  They may even make my immune system stronger!  Between my two teen sons, I sit at a LOT of baseball games – about 150 each year.  The majority of the baseball fields have porta potties.  I am the mom who holds it, or drives to the nearest place with indoor plumbing when the holding it option is no longer going to work.  While on the 3-day walk, my ONLY option was a porta potty.  Yes, they were well maintained and set up just for the thousands of us who participated in the walk, either as a walker, volunteer or employee.  However, they were still porta potties, sitting there in sunny, 90-degree weather.  And do you know what?  As each day marched on, the issues I used to have faded away.  My practice of “making a nest” before using any kind of public bathroom (this rear is NOT touching a public seat) went away for those three days.  With the heat and sweat, it didn’t require complete genius to realize I’d be peeling off toilet paper in a most unlady-like manner if I went with the nest option.  In those three days, I contracted no disease or rashes, and I gagged not once.  I thanked all the ladies who had the duty of reloading the toilet paper in and cleaning those portable bathrooms.  The thought that I was dealing with porta potties while scores of others were dealing with chemo and radiation was not lost on me, and I got over myself real quick.

SHOWERING IN A TRUCK IS WEIRD, NOT BAD: After the porta potty issues, you’d think I would boldly walk into the semi-truck, all fears aside, ready to shower.  But I’m a slow learner.  Near the tents at our camping site, there was a line of semi truck beds with stairs leading up to each truck.  Inside were stalls with privacy curtains, a little bench area and then the shower stall itself, set apart with another privacy curtain.  There was a guy’s truck and the rest were for us women-folk.  It was really weird, but honestly, it was absolutely wonderful to step into a refreshing shower!  We got clean and that was the whole goal of a shower.  It was not luxurious, but it served its purpose.  And, I respect ANY woman who was able to shave her legs in that stall.  While showering on a truck was not on my bucket list, it DID make me cross one more “I can’t do THAT!” item off my list of impossibilities.

PUBLIC PAJAMAS ARE SOMETIMES OK: After the shower, I changed into my “Sweet Stuff” pink jammies and continued my evening.  There were many sets of sinks outside the shower trucks and that’s where we all brushed our teeth and hair (no hair dryers), applied creams and lotions and whatever else was a part of our night time routine.  On an average day (ok, on ANY day) I would never walk around my neighborhood in my jammies and wearing no makeup.  But on the 3-day walk, I realized everything was basically public.  Heck, I slept six inches away from total strangers in the tent next to me.  I shattered so many of my “I’d NEVER do that in public” statements.  In some ways, all sense of personal pride was gone, but we were all in the same situation.  Oh sure, there were the Barbie doll types who didn’t sweat or stink, and wore full makeup every day and somehow their hair was always gorgeous…nothing like the frizzed ‘do I sported.  But, we just avoided those cheerleader types and were fine!  And, I kept thinking of my friends who had to decide if they should go in public with their wig or scarf.  And, somehow, jammies and no make up in public seemed like such a trivial worry.

ESSENTIAL - MOISTURE WICKING UNDERPANTS:  Who knew?  And who knew we had so many sweat glands in our body?  (Aren't you glad there's no picture here?!)

A GOOD CUP OF COFFEE IS NECESSARY:  I cannot operate without coffee.  I have tried and it has been (I’m about to make my kid proud for using this phrase...) an epic fail.  The powers that be really didn’t like us to drink caffeine on the 3-day walk because it acts as a diuretic and depletes the body of fluids.  There were some cups of black beauty available in the morning, but it was about 1:30pm that I needed it most…and all we were given was water and Gatorade.  One of the happiest moments on the walk was when we turned a corner and saw a coffee shop across the street.  We took our sweaty, stinky, makeup-less selves into that shop and my iced Americano was JUST what I needed.  Honestly, I think it gave me the energy – physical and emotional – to carry on.  And ya know, as long as it’s not immoral or illegal, sometimes we all need that little perk and boost to keep us going.

THE KINDNESS OF STANGERS IS PRICELESS:  I was literally moved to tears by the kindness, support and love shown to us walkers.   And, the best part is that it wasn’t limited to the large groups that gathered at the prescribed “cheering stations.”  On a residential street, there was a little girl sitting with her mom at a table with a free lemonade stand, just for us walkers!  On a different street, there was a middle-aged guy sitting on a chair on his front lawn, playing his guitar, which was plugged into an amp that was attached to extension cords.  This man chose to spend part of his afternoon sitting in the heat, just to play and smile at us and tell us “Good job!” as we walked by.  There were people handing out freezer pops, kids making Gatorade sno-cones, people standing there with baskets of cookies, waving pink pom poms, and doing numerous other small gestures of encouragement.  I wish I could tell each and every one of them that EVERY piece of encouragement was magnified due to our state of extreme fatigue, frustration and blisters.  The people who left cases of water bottles on their front lawns with signs reading “good job walkers!” – like a feast to a starving person!  The sister-hood and brother-hood among the walkers was REAL and I felt it.  The walkers were actually looking out for each other and I felt safe and appreciated the whole time.  Even when we had to get into a sweep van to bring us to the next rest stop, we were cheered, patted on the back and given more verbal affirmation than I thought possible.  If I ever doubted the impact of kindness or the value in the time used to practice some thoughtfulness, I am fully convinced it’s all worth it.  Even if the recipient never says thank you.  When in need, the smallest gesture feels like a million bucks!  For the 2012 walk I will definitely be on the sidelines cheering on the weary, often teary walkers.  Who can’t use another cheerleader in life?

HANDWIRTTEN NOTES WILL NEVER GO OUT OF STYLE, EVER:  What I’ve kinda glossed over up to this point is the fact that after the first day of walking, I was sitting in my tent, crying and wanting to go home.  I am sure I wasn’t the only walker in this situation.  The plan was to walk about 22 miles the first day, and I only walked 15.  Thinking I had let down all my supporters was shameful.  My body was worn out, the over-heated feeling never left, we had to pitch our tents on a parking lot due to flooding in the grassy field and I was feeling nauseated from the heat and minor dehydration.  At camp there was an area where we could go and pick up mail.  (AND, the THREE chocolates that some girlfriends sent to me!)  For a few months leading up to the 3-day walk, I begged on Facebook and via emails, asking people to send mail to me at the 3-day camp. Imagine my total shock when I went to pick up my mail and I couldn’t hold it all!  I received 55 pieces of mail!  I cried when I saw all the mail and cried again as I read each and every note, letter and card.  The cards were from dear friends, some family and people I now only “see” on Facebook.  I was humbled beyond words.  I was encouraged, given renewed hope and challenged to “stick with it.”  I got the distinct feeling that NO ONE was going to think less of my 3-day walk efforts if I didn’t walk every step of every mile.  The written words were like a good ‘ol strong cuppa coffee for my soul!  I am 100% convinced that it was the words of love, encouragement, humor and care that gave me the necessary stamina to “stick with it” even though I didn’t want to.

Seriously, I could barely hold all the mail!

MY LIFE IS GOOD:  I am sad to report that I often whined during those 3 days of walking in the heat of August.  I did an awful job of always keeping my happy face on, and sometimes I just wanted to pinch the upbeat, cheery walkers.  (Lisa, please tell everyone that neither Michelle nor I pinched you.  Or kicked you in the knees.)  But, the life-stories of my co-walkers snapped me out of my pathetic whining.  The men and women who had experienced such heartbreak and loss from the ugly beast known as cancer was sobering.  The testimonies of beauty from ashes and hope from pain were uplifting.  It was like a megaphone in my face reminding me that life is precious and my life is really darn good.  I had raised over $3,000, had two pair of good shoes JUST for this walk, a snappy fanny pack, moisture-wicking underwear and FIFTY-FIVE people who loved me enough to write me a note!  It was like perspective given intravenously and it quickly went systemic!  When I arrived at the end of the walk at Soldier Field and saw my family and some dear friends, the tears started again!  Yes, my life is good and I am a blessed woman.

This woman's t-shirt said it perfectly.

SOLDIER FIELD IS BEAUTIFUL: Let’s just say that I have NEVER been happier to enter a sporting stadium.  EVER.

I LOVE MY SOFA:  When I got home on Sunday evening, I showered and ate pizza, in that order.  Then, I sat down on my sofa and that fast turned into lying down.  It was then that it hit me that I had not sat on anything more comfortable than a folding chair after I got out of our car about 5am on Friday morning.  I appreciated my sofa in a whole new way.

My two friends have been through their surgeries and treatments and are doing well and they both have a good prognosis!

While on the walk, I got two buttons that summed up my weekend perfectly.

Button one: I thought you said 3 miles in 60 days!

Button two: Blisters don’t need chemo.

Michelle, Lisa and me - worn out, sweaty, swollen, tired and overheated - but WE DID IT!!!

I'm Not Gonna Call

Eight weeks ago, I had what was considered major abdominal surgery.  The surgery went well, but recovery has been frustrating because I’m not one to lie low for long.  It has been during this recovery period that I have realized something about the phrase, “Call me if you need anything.”  I don’t call.

This isn’t meant to offend anyone as I have VERY FREQUENTLY said the same phrase to many, many friends….be sure to call if you need anything.  Guess what?  No one has ever called me!  Am I surprised?  (Relieved?)  It makes me feel good to offer help; it’s like I’m doing what a good friend should do.  But really, what am I actually doing?  There may be a handful of people who actually call when they need help, but I am not one of them and it would seem my friends aren’t either.  Honestly, I’m not going to call someone and say, “Remember when you offered to help?  Can you scrub my tub?  De-clutter my counter?  Make the kids practice the piano?  Change the sheets on all the beds?  Get the oil changed on the minivan?”  Post-surgery, there were a number of little things that needed to be done, and it bugged me that I couldn’t do anything about them as I was confined to the sofa and flying high on pain meds.

[Ok, in the name of full disclosure, there have been some emergency situations where I have HAD to call people.  Like the time I took my daughter to the emergency room and needed someone to pick up my son from another location.  Or, two weeks post-surgery when I had a friend drive me to the store so I could buy elastic waist stretchy pants as all the abdominal swelling caught me by surprise.  In a desire to make sure I had pants, I think anyone would have taken me on that errand!]

Because I have a husband and three children who are not toddlers, my thinking was, “I’m not calling someone else when there are four able-bodied people who live here.”  However, there were extra circumstances in the few weeks before my surgery that deeply affected our family.  Our eldest son lost his friend in a tragic drowning accident when all the high school youth group boys were away on a missions trip.  A week after the funeral, my nine-year-old daughter fell and badly broke her arm, requiring surgery to have titanium rods inserted into both forearm bones.  She ended up in a fingertips-to-armpit cast.  Throw in my surgery and a four-day hospitalization and it was a stress filled month, with lots of tears shed.

During this time, the acts of kindness and love showered on our family were overwhelming and humbling!  Our friends and family jumped into action, taking care of our whole family.

It was the many gestures of care that fully opened my eyes to the fact that while offering help is nice, doing something specific is the way to go.

This is by no means a complete list, but here are some ideas of how to reach out to someone in need.  All these acts of love were extended to us, but if I included every single one, you would be reading for a couple hours!  (And, to list all that my mom did to keep our home, our family and home schooling up and running when I was not….it would take a book!)

SHARE RESOURCES: Some friends with extra Cubs tickets gave them to our son so he and my husband could enjoy a night out.  It was a prefect break from all the tear-filled days and nights our son had been going through after burying his friend.  It did not erase what happened, but it was a temporary break.  And who doesn’t need a little break from the day-to-day reality of sadness and loss?  It is the little breaks that keep us going and give us hope that we can smile again.  Knowing that music is my son’s “language” another friend made him a CD of music.  She also wrote a letter explaining why she included each song, and what messages of hope and promise were to be found.

Think of what you can do to minister to a friend in need and go for it!  Have you read an encouraging book with a message that could help a friend?  Buy it for her!  I had one friend who knew of my “swelly belly” woes and the next week, she delivered a pair of her super comfy pj’s for me to borrow.

MEAL PLANNING: A dear friend set up a meal schedule where our dinners were provided, three times a week for the first six weeks of my recovery!  My husband was so appreciative in knowing the responsibility of making dinner was very frequently removed from his plate.  (I was comforted in knowing the kids were eating more than chicken nuggets or hotdogs every night!)  Many people like to provide meals, but to have someone spearhead and organize all the meals is invaluable.  Two easy resources to use are www.mealbaby.com and www.mealtrain.com.

Even if you don’t cook, or don’t have time to cook, you can still help!  We had two friends bless us with restaurant gift cards and two other friends delivered big, ready-to-cook meals from Costco!

FLOWERS: This one seems so obvious, but how many times have you actually brought flowers to a friend who didn’t have a baby?  My mother-in-law had flowers delivered to my daughter by a florist, a HUGE “first” for a little girl.  Family and friends also brought flowers, and she was so proud of them that she insisted on taking pictures of each arrangement.  I also had flowers brought to me a few times and you can’t help but smile and be cheered by a beautiful floral bouquet!

Flowers are easy – every grocery store has a selection.  Go seasonal and get a basket of mums.  Or an evergreen centerpiece.  Or an Easter lily.  Flowers are a guaranteed smile generator!

DO WHAT THEY LOVE: People who know me know that I have a thing for coffee.  An all out love affair might be a more accurate description.  Not once, not twice, but TEN times during recovery, friends stopped by to deliver some form of hot coffee.  Talk about feeling the love!  By general standards, it was a simple gesture, but it meant the world to me.  I knew there was thought and love poured into each cup of coffee!  My daughter received the same thoughtful “deliveries” during her broken arm/surgery.  Friends stopped by with things that make a kid smile: a fruit smoothie, new stuffed animals, silly bands, balloons, games, favorite candy, pens for signing the cast, a gift card to her favorite coffee shop.  She remained in constant awe of the on going out pouring of care.

Whether a $1 or $20 gift, the result was the same – a huge smile and the feeling of being loved.  Think of a friend who needs to feel some care and support…what does he/she love?  Then, do it!  A bakery muffin?  Hot chocolate?  A new release book to read during a time of recovery?  A scented candle?

GET CREATIVE: It’s been firmly established that I have amazing friends and their wonderful creativity should be copied!  Friends brought cooking magazines for me to peruse, hand lotion and lip balm to ward off the dry air in the hospital, a favorite box of tea, a pad of sticky notes to jot down the things I needed to remember for later…the list goes on!  One friend stopped by with a grocery bag full of fruits and veggies, and we were all thrilled to find Honeycrisp apples in the bag!  Another friend went to a used book sale and got some travel books about my dream destination for me to enjoy.  An autumn-themed cookie bouquet was delivered to the house.  (A wonderful alternative to flowers for anyone with hay fever or flower allergies.)

Aren’t these creative and very do-able ideas?  It takes some extra thought, but your friends are worth it!  A decade ago, just days before having another baby, a friend came over to give me a pedicure!  I would NEVER have called and ask that a friend give me a pedicure, but I didn’t refuse it when she and said, “I’m coming over to do this as my gift to you.”  When a great idea pops into your head, either do it right away, or write it down so you don’t forget.

MAKE SPECIFIC OFFERS: If you are unsure how to help a friend in need, suggest some specific ideas to him/her and see where it leads.  Place yourself in their shoes and imagine what would be helpful.  A number of times, I had various friends call and say, “I’m at the grocery store right now.  What can I pick up for you?”  We usually needed something, and they were more than happy to pick up milk, bread, cheese or eggs.  A few times when different friends stopped over for a visit, they would ask if any one of the kids needed to be driven anywhere, as I was still restricted from driving and my husband was not home.  I took them up on the various offers to drive the kids to school for evening choir rehearsal or work or youth group or baseball practice.  I had a couple crazy friends come to visit who insisted on washing some dishes and cleaning the counters while I sat and we chatted.

When you’re out and about running errands, think of how you can double up your efforts to help a friend.  Running to the post office?  Ask if any packages need to be mailed or stamps purchased.  Going to the library?  Offer to return their books.  Will you be at the grocery store?  Ask if they want a movie from the rental kiosk.  When you are taking your garbage cans to the curb and back again, grab your neighbor’s and do the same.  If you look for ways to be helpful, you WILL find them!

(As a side note: If you think it will be an added stress to your friend to appear unannounced at her door with flowers, coffee, a bag of groceries, etc., just say, “I can’t come in, but I just wanted you to know we care.”  Receiving the message of being loved is never stressful!)

Although this seems to be an over-used phrase in this blog, please do not under estimate the power of thoughtful care in the smallest gesture!!!  After the past couple months, I know that I will be offering help to others in very specific ways.  If you have kids, just think of the example you are setting as you strive to teach them to be “other” focused.  Enlist their help and your efforts have just doubled themselves!

It is unrealistic to assume we can do everything for everyone in need.  Sometimes there are time and distance restraints.  (This is when email and snail mail works the best.)  But, do what you can, for who you can, when you are able.  Proactively look for ways to bless others.  Let God use you to be a light of encouragement and a source of generosity to those He has placed in your life.  And, generosity isn’t limited to giving money…it is the giving of YOURSELF, in some way, to love on another.

It Was in the Sour Cream

I received an email from a dear friend and she told me about a recent, super-encouraging situation she experienced.  Below is her story.

“I have to tell you something that happened today - and after it happened, I was in my car tearing up at the generosity and thoughtfulness of what was done.

Yesterday, I went to Aldi to get some shopping done.  I needed to do major shopping as I hadn't done it for about two weeks, and I had a lot of pantry staples to purchase.

I was in the check out lane with a cartload of groceries, and as I picked up the carton of light sour cream to put it on the conveyor belt, I noticed there was some sour cream on the bottom of the carton.  I flipped the light sour cream carton over and saw that there was a crack across the bottom of the carton.  To make matters worse, some of the sour cream had gotten on the conveyor belt.  I put the light sour cream carton, flipped upside down, on the conveyor belt and put my other groceries around it.  As soon as the cashier was done with the person in front of me, I planned to ask her throw away the sour cream and then let me clean up the mess.

There was a guy in line behind me who appeared to be about 60 years old.  He smiled at me and made some crack about how "you're not supposed to open the food until you get home."  I smile and joked back, "Well, I WAS kinda hungry..."  When I get to the front of the line, I told the cashier what happened, and she just laughed and then cleaned up the conveyor belt for me.  (Even though I said I would!)  I then noticed that the person who had checked out just ahead of me happened to set aside a few items that she couldn't afford.  One of the items, the only refrigerated item, was a carton of sour cream.  I thought, "PERFECT! I'll save someone a trip from having to put that back in the refrigerated section and I’ll buy it!"  I told the cashier that I would take the unwanted sour cream and she said, "It's not light, but is that ok with you?"  At this point I really didn't care, and I wasn't going to hold up the line just to go get a light sour cream...so I figured this worked out well.

All of a sudden, the gentleman who had been standing behind me showed up (I did not realize that he had left the line), and he was holding a new carton of light sour cream.  He said, "I wanted to do something nice for you, and I just can't afford to buy your groceries.  But I thought I could at least so something to help and get you another carton of light sour cream."  And then he said (and I can't believe this), "I wanted to help because it looks like you're a woman trying to hold the world together."

Wow.

I thanked him profusely, paid for my groceries and started to bag my order.  He only had a few items, and as he walked out, he told me to have a good day.  I got to the car, called my husband to tell him about what had happened and it made me cry!  I told my husband this guy was way too old to be hitting on me…it was purely an act of simple kindness.  This man knew exactly what I needed to hear to feel a sense of relief and worth.  The man didn't know this, but as I was standing in line, I was doing a lot of thinking and praying.  I was asking God yet again why He would allow my husband to lose his job and take new job opportunities away from him.  God sure does amazing things and uses people in some cool ways.

This little act of kindness made my ENTIRE day.  I thought of the purpose behind your blog, and I just had to share my story!”

Cool story, huh?  This was truly a “small thing” that this man did for my friend…and yet the affect was multiplied a hundred-fold!  This man understood that sometimes we WANT to do the big, super-meaningful things, like pay for someone’s groceries, but we can’t.  He then took the initiative to do what he could, and it meant the world to the recipient of his kind action and thoughtfulness.

Let’s all look for something we can do to show love, thoughtfulness, compassion, and care to someone else.  Our effort, no matter how small, can have a monumental positive affect and that should not be overlooked!

Look for ways to be thoughtful and give someone else a “sour cream” story!  I’d love to hear about it!