Wednesday, February 3, 2010

When I am Queen

There are going to be a few changes when I become queen. Not when I’m President. (Although, I could be the Mom Czar and appoint to all moms what I know they need.) I’m gonna be queen. Last I checked, there was no palace, no royal guards on horseback, no centuries old carriage and no jewel-encrusted crowns for President, so I’ll take queen.

Please understand that my changes are not unrealistic fantasies like, “Pizza will have no calories” or “Someone else can exercise and I’ll reap the benefits.” I’m going for queen, not God. My changes are doable. At least in my head. Listed below are some of the most urgent changes, proven extremely necessary by my own life this past month.

When all the children in the home have all their teeth, a Household Cook will be assigned to each family. I never had much of a problem with feeding the kids when they were really little. As babies, options are limited. As toddlers, a cheese stick, cup of applesauce and graham crackers was a perfect luncheon smorgasbord. But then comes the day when the children turn into eating machines and food consumption more closely resembles an Olympic sport where everyone is going for the gold rather than merely life sustenance. You all of a sudden totally understand the absolute NEED for Costco, because why would you ever buy less than 36 eggs at one time? It’s around this time that I lose interest in cooking, because IT’S ALL I EVER DO!! By the time breakfast is cleared from the table, it’s time for the pre-mid-morning snack, which is closely followed by the mid-morning snack, followed by the pre-lunch snack…you get the idea. And where “snack” used to equal a handful of pretzels, it now means “sandwich.”

This is why all families will get a Cook. Since food has morphed into a 24/7 activity, there will now be someone to handle it ‘round the clock. The process of procuring the groceries can be exhausting, so once we get the food in to the home – someone else will create snacks and meals with it. It goes without saying that the Household Cook will also take care of all cleanup. Any well-balanced meals provided are icing on the cake, because at this rate, we’re just going for quantity.

Or, it can be a man. This will be an equal opportunity position. Yes, the Laundry Lady will do the obvious – the family laundry. But, here’s what else she (or he) will do:

 Wash the towels and sheets once a week like they need to be done! If we’re honest, most of us moms will admit that we’ve laid in bed thinking about all the blue-light-wand/bed-bug Oprah specials we’ve seen, and wondered when was the last time the sheets and towels were changed? No more wondering!

 Find all the sock matches! We will never again need that basket where all the lonely single socks hang out. (or, the pile of single socks laying on top of the dryer)

 Wash specialty items! You know all those things that need to be washed sometimes, but not all the time? Bathrobes, jackets, throw-pillow covers, valances, hats and mittens, bed skirts and picnic blankets stored in the car – it will all be washed and NOT only on an emergency basis due to spills, stains or accidents!

And, it should be noted that all laundry would be folded and delivered to the room of its owner. No more digging through the basket of clean underwear to find a sock match! The Laundry Lady and the Errand Boy (keep reading) will handle all dry cleaning.

(Again, it could be a woman – I’m all about equal opportunity.) This person will get it all done and in a timely manner. No more piles of bags by the back door or in the back of the car. Need to return mascara? DONE! Pick up the snow blower from the repair shop? DONE! Go to city hall to pay for and receive the 3-month parking pass? DONE! Forgot just one little thing from the grocery store and need to go back? DONE! When I am queen, we will no longer carry around a bag full of plastic bags that we keep intending to recycle at the grocery store – it will be DONE! We will not have to run to the library to avoid a book fine – it will be DONE and without having to drag tired and crabby children along!

As a side benefit, Errand Boy will also be available to help drop off and pick up children when everyone needs to be at their respective activities at the exact same time and on opposite ends of town.

Remember those diaper pails that made a long, sausage-like link of dirty diapers and everything was hidden from sight and smell? We will all have something like that for the multiple piles of papers that seem to duplicate overnight. The Paper Genie will not be a contraption of some sort, but a real person, minus pointy slippers and a genie-like appearance. The Paper Genie will be a paper assistant of sorts…someone to make sense of and give order to the hundreds of dead trees that consume my life, counters, purse, minivan, etc. In this electronic age, I wonder why we still struggle with overwhelming amounts of paper that I dare not recycle because it is probably “very important.” The Paper Genie will take all forms of paper and just deal with it! We will no longer search high and low for the Wal-Mart receipt so we can return the antiperspirant with a dial that doesn’t turn. Paper Genie will know right where the receipt is and will hand it to Errand Boy, who will return said item. The Paper Genie will create and maintain a sensible filing system for all papers, and we will be handed a folder each morning with the paperwork needed for that day. No more permission slip/recipe/greeting card/phone tree/receipt/doctor appointment reminder/homework paper hunts or shuffles. No more shoveling paperwork into a grocery bag in an effort to clean when unexpected company comes over. The paper perfume samples will finally have a home! The Paper Genie will keep it ALL under control!

I am sure that my reign will bring many more valuable changes and I will catalog all recommendations made. But for now, I need to throw some laundry into the washing machine and push the counter-top papers over so I have room to make the meatloaf, because it’s time to bake the pre-dinner snack.


  1. Sounds wonderful! And, how will "the queen" celebrate her birthday??
    So glad you mentioned the "basket of clean underwear"! I secretly was wondering if you would! :)


  2. I'd like to apply for the Errand Person position. Just what is the salary for that? :D

    thanks for sharing your thoughts in this blog! I always look forward to reading it!

  3. My husband and I would like to add masseuse to the list of queenly sponsored jobs. :) Otherwise, I think you hit the nail on the head...all of my big issues would go away with those positions. Errand boy/girl would have to do bunny litter duty. :)

    And I'm glad we're not the only ones with a pile of clean underwear we dive through looking for socks.

    You rock! I'm voting for you. You do look amazing in a tiara!